Repetition Compulsion

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

― C.arl Jung

Let’s talk about repetition compulsion. By definition, it is a psychoanalytic term that means people will reenact past traumas or difficult experiences in an unconscious attempt to resolve them. In the past, this was simplistically coined “daddy issues” or “mommy issues” when someone married a partner who was just like a parent or the partner became parentified, if there was parental abandonment. However, as clinicians, we know it extends well beyond partners having similarities to a parent and it is a common theme in so many of day to day interactions.

What repetition compulsion really is, is two different factors converging at once. The first, is the drive to attain the similar feeling we had from the past when there was trauma or a difficult experience or experiences, with the unconscious belief that was formed long ago: “The issue was me and when I finally get it right, I”m acceptable.” If you recall from my email on trauma, when there is a negative event that is out of someone’s control, most people will blame themselves to regain some form of control and stability. This pattern then follows them well past the event. Yet, the psychological phenomenon is in the fact that people keep repeating the same cycle that is going to yield the same predictable and disheartening outcome and concluding they are still the problem. The second factor at play is that this unconscious drive is towards the familiar, which also taps into our evolutionary roots. Predictable outcomes give us a sense of safety, even if they are not favorable.

Adults who took responsibility as children for a trauma or dysfunction in the home, will be drawn towards people and/or situations who require their role as fixer. Children who were abandoned or made to feel not good enough growing up, will abandon themselves in their adult relationships and be drawn towards others who also make them feel not worthy. Those who took on the role of a parentified child, will be over-responsible in their adult life, in which situations will play out similarly with the most responsibility falling on their shoulders. These are just a few examples, but there are many, many more.

It is also worth noting how the nervous system is involved in the unconscious drive. It is the epicenter for what feels familiar, as all emotional experiences we have had and continue to have are imprinted on our nervous system. For example, when someone is used to a less than favorable feeling growing up, their nervous system wiring (for a lack of better words) gets crossed, in that what would normally produce alarms and red flags, such as people, situations or jobs that don’t feel right- simply do not set off the alarm system. So, if Person A grew up in a house where there was intense unpredictability and anxiety producing experiences (addiction, fighting, cheating, etc) they’ve always associated those feelings with what home feels like. As an adult, they then meet Person B who is emotionally unavailable, thus also producing an element of anxiety and unpredictability. Person A feels right at home and…voila. Person A finds this attractive and associates it with love because it’s familiar and familial. The feelings Person B elicits feel like home to Person A. Understand that despite the dysfunction that one may have experienced at home, most people find predictable comfort in home.

Often, I will have clients ask me point blank, “Why did I choose this person if they were never a good fit ?” To which I will ask, what feeling was familiar when you met them or when you’re with them now? DId you feel like you had to work really hard to gain their affection? Did you have to give up who you were in order to join their life for it to work? Did you like the image that came with them? Did they make you feel uneasy or not lovable? What about any of the above felt familiar and why?

I am also often asked: “Why me?” “Why am I always in these awful situations at work” or “why am I always left out with my friend group” or “why am I never chosen?” If these sound like questions you ask yourself, I encourage you to take some control (because control ALWAYS feels good:) and look at who you are choosing, or the type of jobs you are working or the type of friends you are attracted to. What feelings do they produce in you and what about that is familiar? More often than not, none of these situations were ever going to turn out favorable. They had their limitations from the start, but that felt normal to you. You were a victim of unconsciously repeating familiar no- win situations, in that all signs pointed to ‘this was never going to work,’ but it was familiar and predictable to you. And when they failed, you blamed yourself. One of my favorite, famous therapists and author, Lori Gottlieb once stated, “Before you diagnose yourself, make sure you are first not surrounded by a$$holes.” This quote always makes me laugh, but is so true. Anyone that has worked with me will know I am all about taking responsibility for the role that you play in your life and others , because that is the only thing you can control. So, please understand I am not suggesting placing blame on everyone else, but simply looking at who you have unconsciously chosen to surround yourself with or jobs you have chosen and why. In many cases, the environment you keep going back to is what keeps the cycle going. If you are trying to fix a situation or person who is resistant to change, guess what? You are also resistant to change.

We repeat what we don’t repair, and we will over and over again until we take responsibility for understanding the WHY behind our behaviors.. When you get some down time, take a moment to pause and look at the area(s) of your life that always seems to have the same ending that you would like to edit. What does this present situation make you feel? When do you remember first feeling that way in your past? How can you connect the two to make sense of the compulsion towards repetition? Breaking the cycle of repetition asks us to let go. Even though it’s for the better, at a deeper level we are letting go of the familiar stories we’ve clung to, who we told ourselves we are in the context of this repetition… and in a metaphorical sense, we are letting go of home.

But if you let go, think about what is on the other side.