The Disorientation of Healing
There is a certain level of “weirdness” that happens when we are in the healing process. Our go to ways to cope no longer fit or work, but the new ways don’t quite fit yet either. Maybe we even feel a bit disconnected from the people in our lives as well, or they feel disconnected from us because interactions are different now. In short, the old self does not fit the new reality. Oftentimes the angst our past decisions or behaviors would bring would take so much focus and energy, it gave us a superficial purpose- the toxic relationship, the job hopping, the drinking or spending. We would become so wrapped up in the intensity of those behaviors that we didn’t have to sit with ourselves; they were smoke and mirrors. However, they were also our attempt to self soothe. They served a purpose, even if it wasn’t a healthy one.
Many of us have had to go down the path of pulling down the veil, pulling apart childhood or other age appropriate adaptations that served a purpose then, but no longer serve a purpose now. We chalked those decisions, behaviors or thoughts up to habit or reactions that we didn’t understand but we just did them anyway and dealt with the repercussions after. In reality, they were subconscious ways to cope that through therapy, we made them conscious, pulled them apart, and realized they no longer serve a purpose.
But then comes the “What do I do now…”
I spent all of my 20’s and a smidge of my early 30’s moving. I would get settled in a space, make an awesome group of friends, have a great job, and then within 6 months get the itch to move- whether it was to another town, state or literally cross country. I would be remiss if I didn’t add that I had plans to move to Hawaii and Costa Rica as well. In my plan to move back to California for a second time, a former supervisor had the guts to call me out, in which she said, “You really have a hard time with putting roots down don't you? You know, if you keep doing this it will be 20 years from now and you will be doing the same thing with a world full of regret.” And in that moment, I decided to stay. In fact, I stayed in that apartment for 3 years, which was the longest I had lived in a place post college. However, navigating life where I had to sit through the discomfort of predictability and not distract myself with major life transitions was unsettling and overwhelming and I didn’t know how to do it. Until I did. The chaos for me, like for many people, was a distraction and in the end, prevented me from truly knowing myself beyond my accomplishments because I was always distracted and it became my identity.
What I realized through that journey was there were markers for when I would start to get off course. I would start to avoid certain mindful based activities, such as reading or yoga. I would literally have a block where I couldn’t bring myself to do the stuff that I knew was good for me…because I was starting to get the itch. That’s when, for the first time ever, I forced myself to do those two things even more because I couldn’t keep running. But it was not comfortable and not to mention, my friends and family were also so confused by my commitment to trying to settle into the day in and day out of life, it was throwing our dynamic off as well. It was beyond disorienting.
The disorientation is proof that there has been change…. and there is solace on the other side, I promise. It’s freeing if you allow it to be. Maybe in the beginning, you won’t know the simple things as you navigate this new space- what your taste is for clothes, what hobbies you like, or what to do with your free time when you're not in a heightened state from old behaviors. However, like anything in life where there is a major change, there is a period of recalibration. It won’t last forever if you allow the process to happen instead of going back to old ways. But you must engage in true self soothing. Maybe you weren’t taught this growing up (most of us weren’t), but it is now up to you to come to your own rescue when there is dysregulation. You can do this by engaging in mindfulness based/nervous system regulation activities such as yoga, breath work, meditation or acupuncture, as this will de-escalate the urge to fall back to past behaviors because it will soothe the mind and body rather quickly. Maintain a routine, as that will help you stay grounded. Lastly, remove the resistance and lean into it; this discomfort will pass if you invite it to be there because when there is resistance, things tend to last way longer than we want them to. When you start to want to avoid all the things that make you feel good- therapy included :), that is your warning sign that you are getting the itch and need to do those feel good things even more.
Some things you can ask yourself to keep tabs on your progress throughout this journey are below. It’s okay to not know how to answer them. I guarantee you will soon.
How would you describe yourself, without using what you do for a job as one of the descriptors?
What are your interests or hobbies?
What are some signs that may be markers of slipping back into old ways to self soothe or distract?
When you do start to get the itch, try to identify the myriad of feelings that are lurking under the surface. That is the real reason you're getting the urge to revert back to old ways of coping, but this is also an amazing opportunity to try to understand what’s really going on.