Brooke Tomovich LPC

The Death of a Relationship

Mon, 21 Apr 2025 08:25:49 -0700

No One Talks About the Grief That Surrounds the Death of a Relationship.

No one talks about the grief that is involved when a friendship ends. Or any relationship, for that matter. Yet, I can guarantee each one of us has experienced this. If it wasn’t a friendship, it may have been a romantic or familial relationship that ended abruptly. You may have been left without answers; maybe you were ghosted. You then probably dissected all the possible reasons as to why this person vanished and how you could have changed the outcome. Or maybe, you feel you weren’t good enough…that there was something wrong with you or if ONLY you acted differently that one night or didn't say that ONE comment. Because, by blaming ourselves, we gain (a false sense) of control. The truth is, you will probably never find out, because sometimes the other person doesn’t know exactly why- they just reacted to a feeling they had without thinking it through…as many people do. Regardless, there are endless possibilities as to why this person left the relationship. In most cases, it had more to do with them than it had to do with you.

When someone does not have the ability to communicate to another person as to why they no longer want to be a part of a relationship, it gives great intel about them. When one person ghosts another, it typically means that that individual lacks the ability (and confidence) to be able to communicate how they feel and they fear the consequences of another’s emotional response. They are likely what us therapists classify as “avoidant." Somewhere in life they learned that others’ emotions are to be feared, or that their emotions were not valid or were met with anger, and therefore...Read More

Radical Acceptance

Thu, 09 Oct 2025 19:23:42 -0700

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance has been the topic of many of my conversations this week, in and out of the office. In short, it is a term that was created by Marsha Linehan and is defined by the ability to accept things as they are; Letting go of the illusion of control. However, it does not mean that we feel better about a situation or person. Rather, instead of marinating in the pain, frustration or other negative feelings connected to the circumstance, wishing that it wasn’t this way and thus exacerbating what already is, we are freeing ourselves of that spin cycle. By doing this, we are granting ourselves permission to find freedom from that emotional prison and heal.

Radical acceptance to me, looks like these pillars of which I created and structured my therapeutic approach around:

Life is random and unpredictable. There is no score keeping to make sure the unpredictability is evenly spread out amongst all of us. The sooner we can accept that for some things there is no reason, we can let go of the idea that we can somehow control every single outcome or make sense of it. In other words, we just need to stop fighting reality and rather, focus on how we are going to navigate it.
In most cases, it is never all good and it is never all bad. Are there times when the experience is lopsided? Yes, absolutely. But in the long run, typically it doesn’t stay that way. As humans with strong evolutionary roots in our psychology, we love to fit things into neat...Read More

Big T and Little T Trauma

Thu, 09 Oct 2025 19:21:59 -0700

Big T and Little T Trauma

I've been listening to a webinar on trauma hosted by Gabor Mate, Bessel Van Der Kolk and Tim Fletcher. I've written about Gabor before, but the other two are equally synonymous with the understanding and treatment of trauma. I wanted to share with you what I gleaned from Tim Fletcher’s presentation from Day 1, as there is always more information to know and more to share in the field of therapy and in the search for a deeper understanding of ourselves and those around us.

Two Types of Trauma: Fletcher delineated two different types of trauma: Big T trauma and Little T trauma. Big T is what we used to only think of trauma- a car accident, natural disaster, physical abuse- any negative event that happened to you. Little T trauma is the absence of something good happening to you. Some examples of this are a conditional or transactional parent where love is on a string; not being comforted, getting yelled at or being ignored when distressed or emotional as a child; a parent who was addicted; ; financial hardship; a chronic illness or a family member with a chronic illness; a critical caregiver; witnessing abuse; a dissociated/emotionally detached parent; having a family member who...Read More

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Thu, 09 Oct 2025 19:20:45 -0700
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The Disorientation of Healing

Mon, 23 Jun 2025 09:21:00 -0700

The Disorientation of Healing

There is a certain level of “weirdness” that happens when we are in the healing process. Our go to ways to cope no longer fit or work, but the new ways don’t quite fit yet either. Maybe we even feel a bit disconnected from the people in our lives as well, or they feel disconnected from us because interactions are different now. In short, the old self does not fit the new reality. Oftentimes the angst our past decisions or behaviors would bring would take so much focus and energy, it gave us a superficial purpose- the toxic relationship, the job hopping, the drinking or spending. We would become so wrapped up in the intensity of those behaviors that we didn’t have to sit with ourselves; they were smoke and mirrors. However, they were also our attempt to self soothe. They served a purpose, even if it wasn’t a healthy one.

Many of us have had to go down the path of pulling down the veil, pulling apart childhood or other age appropriate adaptations that served a purpose then, but no longer serve a purpose now. We chalked those decisions, behaviors or thoughts up to habit or reactions that we didn’t understand but we just did them anyway and dealt with the repercussions after. In reality, they were subconscious ways to cope that through therapy, we made them conscious, pulled them apart, and realized they no longer serve a purpose.

But then comes the “What do I do now…”

Paradox of Choice Hack:

Often, the brain is overwhelmed by too many options which leads to decision fatigue. If you are stuck, narrow the choices to two options.

Dopamine Anchoring:

Pair something you enjoy with a task you hate. Eventually, your brain will associate the unpleasant task with the pleasure and thus it will be easier to complete.
For example: coffee or your favorite snack while cleaning the house.
Expectation Effect:
The brain LOVES to prove itself right, so whatever you are telling yourself, your mind will find evidence to support it. I often use the blue jeep example in session: If you are looking for only blue jeeps on the road, that’s all you will see but there are hundreds of other cars and colors on the road.

You can do this in your own life by telling yourself something that is potentially anxiety provoking, will actually be fun and then your brain will actively filter out the bad for the things that make it true. This is called selective attention bias.

On the flip side, if we are chronically disappointed by someone or something in our lives, drop the expectations of how that person should act or what they should do or know....Read More

Stop Holding People Accountable

Wed, 28 May 2025 10:46:54 -0700

Stop holding people accountable.

There is an emotional need that most people try to meet by attempting to hold others accountable for their actions when they are hurtful. Now, if we are talking about our own children, then, yes. We must teach them accountability. If we are a boss, then yes it’s our job to attempt to do so -although, the outcome is 50/50. But for everyone else, it’s a never ending cycle of disappointment and frustration because we cannot change others.

When we try to hold people accountable for their actions, inactions or words in most cases we are actually setting ourselves up to be even more disappointed. Because when we attempt to do this, we are assuming they: 1. Are capable and willing to see where they were wrong 2. Will admit they were wrong and 3. Capable of changing (and wanting to do so). However, this is a HIGH expectation.

As I can often be heard saying, this therapeutic process is not about editing the other characters and situations in your story, but learning how to navigate them better. So here is what I want you to try the next time you are caught in the same spin cycle with a character in your life story. First, try dropping the expectations that they are going to finally be different. This is the hardest part but once you can do this, then you can move on to considering the possibility that maybe they are just not capableRead More

Trauma and People Pleasing

Wed, 28 May 2025 10:45:53 -0700

Gabor Mate. If you haven’t heard of him, find him on social media and follow him…immediately! He is an MD, turned expert author and speaker on addiction, childhood development and trauma. I’ve been reading his books for some time on the physiological effects of trauma on the body, as well as the impact of how our methods (good and bad) of interacting with each other, right down to parenting, have lasting implications on the mind, body and future relationships. His most recent book, The Myth of Normal was awesome if you are looking for a new book to read.

Without getting lost in the details, the reason why I'm bringing him up is because I recently attended one of his webinars on the effects of Trauma. Most of it was information that was not new to me. However, there were some really amazing take-aways that I wanted to share.

I want to first begin with the idea that if you are a human walking this Earth, you have most likely experienced some form of trauma. In the past, trauma was believed to be defined by some horrific event or abuse. While that is most certainly true, the range is much wider because by definition, trauma is a psychological or physiological response to a distressing or overwhelming experience that exceeds our coping abilities. It can include, but is not limited to, experiences such as emotional neglect, bullying, not feeling safe with a parent or parents or a sibling, a divorce, someone in the family with an addiction, having a narcissistic or borderline parent or partner, an adult or peer who was inappropriate with you when we were young, financial/food insecurity. The list goes on because these all have created effects that exceed initial coping skills. As...Read More

The Love Hate Relationship We Have With Change.

Sat, 26 Apr 2025 04:04:59 -0700

The Love Hate Relationship We Have With Change.

We all have done it, experienced it and witnessed it. There is no escaping change, especially in therapy! Some change can be something we are looking forward to, while other changes can feel much more daunting, even if they are necessary. But what is consistent with all change is that it comes with a cost, loss and unpredictability.
I have witnessed battles with change for the better in my office everyday, for years. Then, when change wasn’t made perfectly or there was a relapse to old ways, I also bore witness to the self debasement that followed. To which I always say two things: “ What purpose is that serving?” and “ Shaming yourself through this is only going to keep you stuck.”
When you move in the direction of change, even if it’s good change, you are leaving something or someone else behind. As toxic as that thing (habit, behavior, thought patterns, etc) or person may be, we still had a relationship with it or them. They were familiar and predictable.Leaving that behind is the cost of change.
As a therapist, I see the battle with change differently. There is tremendous grief and also unpredictability in change. The very thing we want to change, we want to do so because it is hurting us in some way and in some cases, wreaking havoc on our personal lives or others. Yet, it is familiar and predictable and we know what to expect and how we will feel, even if it’s negative. One thing I have learned is that humans LOVE predictability. Ultimately, we each have a conflictual relationship with things we want to change. We want the patterns or...Read More

The Love Hate Relationship We Have With Change.

Sat, 26 Apr 2025 03:53:05 -0700

The Love Hate Relationship We Have With Change.

We all have done it, experienced it and witnessed it. There is no escaping change, especially in therapy! Some change can be something we are looking forward to, while other changes can feel much more daunting, even if they are necessary. But what is consistent with all change is that it comes with a cost, loss and unpredictability.
I have witnessed battles with change for the better in my office everyday, for years. Then, when change wasn’t made perfectly or there was a relapse to old ways, I also bore witness to the self debasement that followed. To which I always say two things: “ What purpose is that serving?” and “ Shaming yourself through this is only going to keep you stuck.”
When you move in the direction of change, even if it’s good change, you are leaving something or someone else behind. As toxic as that thing (habit, behavior, thought patterns, etc) or person may be, we still had a relationship with it or them. They were familiar and predictable.Leaving that behind is the cost of change.
As a therapist, I see the battle with change differently. There is tremendous grief and also unpredictability in change. The very thing we want to change, we want to do so because it is hurting us in some way and in some cases, wreaking havoc on our personal lives or others. Yet, it is familiar and predictable and we know what to expect and how we will feel, even if it’s negative. One thing I have learned is that humans LOVE predictability. Ultimately, we each have a conflictual relationship with things we want to change. We want the patterns or...Read More