Gabor Mate. If you haven’t heard of him, find him on social media and follow him…immediately! He is an MD, turned expert author and speaker on addiction, childhood development and trauma. I’ve been reading his books for some time on the physiological effects of trauma on the body, as well as the impact of how our methods (good and bad) of interacting with each other, right down to parenting, have lasting implications on the mind, body and future relationships. His most recent book, The Myth of Normal was awesome if you are looking for a new book to read.
Without getting lost in the details, the reason why I'm bringing him up is because I recently attended one of his webinars on the effects of Trauma. Most of it was information that was not new to me. However, there were some really amazing take-aways that I wanted to share.
I want to first begin with the idea that if you are a human walking this Earth, you have most likely experienced some form of trauma. In the past, trauma was believed to be defined by some horrific event or abuse. While that is most certainly true, the range is much wider because by definition, trauma is a psychological or physiological response to a distressing or overwhelming experience that exceeds our coping abilities. It can include, but is not limited to, experiences such as emotional neglect, bullying, not feeling safe with a parent or parents or a sibling, a divorce, someone in the family with an addiction, having a narcissistic or borderline parent or partner, an adult or peer who was inappropriate with you when we were young, financial/food insecurity. The list goes on because these all have created effects that exceed initial coping skills. As Gabor Mate put it, trauma is what happened inside of you as a result of what happened to you. It is a wound that has not healed. Unless it’s healed, it will keep hurting us. The good news is, it is what HAPPENED to us; it’s not happening anymore and therefore, the healing can happen in the present moment.
When trauma happens, you lose a sense of who you are and what you want. Then, you are driven by the unconscious and don’t know why you do what you do. It’s important to understand that if trauma happened when we were younger, first, coping skills are limited, but the brain and body will still do what it needs to do to protect itself and maintain connection . Also, the unconscious in childhood is not accessible to even become aware of what you are doing and why and so, it becomes a pattern that stays with us even when we are years or decades past the trauma…. But it continues to meddle with our present life.
Most people who have experienced trauma have some variation of people pleasing that is seemingly hardwired into them. When trauma happens, we usually blame ourselves because it is more easily acceptable to think “I’m the problem; I’m not acceptable” instead of “This person or situation feels unsafe and I can’t change it.” This also gives us some perceived control of a situation that is very much out of our control. The patterns of thought and behavior develop into “If I can make everyone happy or I can make everyone happy by being perfect, the situation will stabilize, I’ll be accepted and everything will be okay.” As stated above, this tool we developed in order to protect ourselves becomes an unconscious drive. In short, we gave up our authenticity for the sake of connection because we can survive without authenticity, but not connection. And this is how codependency develops. It is fear based attachment where worth is externalized and power is outsourced.
Here is an exercise that was recommended in the training to do once a week to start facing the fear of letting people down or the guild of holding boundaries. Keep in mind that if there is people pleasing, there are likely issues with boundaries :) To which I say: it is not about others respecting the boundaries, but it’s about you holding them…over and over and over.
Try to remain judgment free of yourself as you take a step towards starting to understand how this habit formed to begin with. Your purpose is not to make everyone else happy; it’s also worth noting that that is impossible to do. However, when you don't learn to say “no,” no one will show you how to say no, and the negative impact will reveal itself through illness, insomnia, anxiety, depression, etc.
- What areas of your life do you have difficulty saying no? This week or just in general?
- What is the impact on you of your difficulty saying no? This could be negative thoughts towards yourself or resentment towards the other person. If you think about it, not saying no then becomes self defeating. You don't say no because you want to maintain the relationship and then you resent the person and that undermines the dynamic. PS, The other person can feel the resentment. Examples of the impact could be: emotional, physical - trouble sleeping , fatigue, stomach pain, headache. The impact is not trivial. However, keep in mind “I feel lazy for saying no” is not a feeling, that is a perception.
- There is always a story behind the inability to say no. You believe something about yourself- “If I say no, that makes me selfish.” What is the hidden belief that you have told yourself about saying no? Do you have these same beliefs about someone else who says no?
- Where did I learn this story? You weren’t born people pleasing. Children’s default is “no” first when they are super young, right down to food they don't like. It’s really Important to know the belief and what the reason is so that you can start to face this.
- Where are you not saying yes, where you want to say yes? What creative, expressive urge, desire for activity, or interest are you not saying yes to because you haven't left yourself time and freedom because you don't know how to say No?
Consider this, as daunting of a task as it is to face our darkness and to even experience set backs along the way, David Kessler said it best: “What we run from pursues us and what we face transforms us.” When you have overwhelming, traumatic experiences you feel as though you will be in that pain forever. However, that is just not true. No feeling is final and although you may feel differently at times, you have the freedom to make a conscious decision to do differently.
AS AN ADULT CAN MAKE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO DO DIFFERENTLY.
CODEPENDENCY IS HOT CONNECTION. ITS FEAR BASED ATTACHMENT WHERE WORTH IS EXTERNALIZED AND POWER IS OUTSOURCED.
Read on to read an article from Lindsey Day on movement…
How to Use Movement to Maximize Mental Health
If you’re struggling to stay motivated to exercise, this is for you!
We often hear that movement is good for our physical health, but it’s just as critical for your brain, mood, and emotional resilience. Whether you're managing anxiety, depression, chronic stress, trauma, or navigating life's stressors, a personalized movement routine can offer powerful support to your nervous system, hormones, and gut-brain connection.
Don’t just work harder—work smarter. Let’s break down how different types of exercise influence your mental well-being and why consistency matters more than intensity.
1. Cardio Mental Health Benefits:
Walking and running both support brain chemistry and emotional balance.
- Mood & Motivation: Cardio increases key neurotransmitters like dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which help improve mood, energy, and focus (2,9,10).
- Stress & Resilience: Brisk walking enhances serotonin, a stabilizing mood chemical. Running more powerfully increases dopamine and norepinephrine, helping with drive and attention.
- Gut-Brain Axis: Scientists have discovered that our gut health and brain health are tightly and powerfully connected. Cardio improves gut health by increasing good gut bacteria, which positively influences anxiety and depression (3,7).
- Mental Fatigue: Walking is particularly grounding and has been shown to calm the nervous system—ideal if you’re feeling burned out or overstimulated.
Tip: Even a 10-minute brisk walk can shift you out of a freeze or anxious state!
2. Strength Training Mental Health Benefits:
If you're not including strength-based movement 1 to 2x per week, you're missing out on powerful neurological and emotional benefits.
- Strength training boosts brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF)—a protein essential for memory, learning, and resilience to stress. It outperforms other exercise types in BDNF production, according to a 2022 review research article (2,9,10).
- Mood & Confidence: Lifting weights improves serotonin and dopamine release, similar to cardio.
- Gut-Brain Connection: Strength workouts improve the production of short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs), which are compounds that nourish the gut lining and influence mood through the gut-brain axis (3).
Tip: If you're feeling stuck mentally, strength training can act like a reboot. Start simple—bodyweight movements, resistance bands, or carrying groceries all count.
3. HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training) Mental Health Benefits:
For those who feel flat, foggy, or unmotivated, HIIT can be a helpful tool!
- Dopamine, Motivation & Attention: HIIT significantly boosts dopamine and norepinephrine, sharpening focus and improving emotional regulation (2,10).
- Stress Resilience: HIIT trains the body to recover from short bursts of stress, which mirrors emotional regulation and stress management in daily life (2,10).
- Cravings & Emotional Eating: HIIT has been shown to normalize hunger hormones and reduce sugar cravings (6), helping those with mood-related eating patterns.
Tip: Limit HIIT to once or twice per week, especially if you’re healing from burnout or trauma. Too much intensity can backfire and increase anxiety, especially for those dealing with PTSD or burnout.
Putting It All Together
E
xercise isn’t just about how your body looks; it’s about how your mind feels. Every time you move your body, you trigger a chemical cascade that supports brain healing. While it’s not a substitute for therapy, movement is a powerful complement.
Regular physical activity increases emotional resilience, boosts mood, reduces symptoms of depression and anxiety, sharpens cognitive function, and aids trauma recovery.
Sample Weekly Routine for Mental Wellness (Backed by Science):
These sessions can be as short as 15 minutes and you can still benefit greatly!
- 2× strength sessions (e.g., weights, resistance bands, bodyweight)
- 1× HIIT session (if tolerated)
- 1–2× steady-state cardio (e.g., brisk walk or light jog)
- Daily light movement (e.g., walking, mobility work, stretching)