Stop holding people accountable.
There is an emotional need that most people try to meet by attempting to hold others accountable for their actions when they are hurtful. Now, if we are talking about our own children, then, yes. We must teach them accountability. If we are a boss, then yes it’s our job to attempt to do so -although, the outcome is 50/50. But for everyone else, it’s a never ending cycle of disappointment and frustration because we cannot change others.
When we try to hold people accountable for their actions, inactions or words in most cases we are actually setting ourselves up to be even more disappointed. Because when we attempt to do this, we are assuming they: 1. Are capable and willing to see where they were wrong 2. Will admit they were wrong and 3. Capable of changing (and wanting to do so). However, this is a HIGH expectation.
As I can often be heard saying, this therapeutic process is not about editing the other characters and situations in your story, but learning how to navigate them better. So here is what I want you to try the next time you are caught in the same spin cycle with a character in your life story. First, try dropping the expectations that they are going to finally be different. This is the hardest part but once you can do this, then you can move on to considering the possibility that maybe they are just not capable of anything different, or more , or better. OR, maybe they just don’t want to do things differently. And guess what? Right or wrong, that is their right. As the saying goes, most people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. So, is it really fair that we place such expectations on others when in actuality they probably do not have those expectations for themselves?
We spend so much time yearning and begging for that family member, or co worker or significant other (or ex) to admit they were wrong, apologize and then never do it again. In many cases, we stay stuck in a cycle of hurt and frustration. For others, in an attempt to bypass those negative feelings, they plug the gap in the misbehaving by over-accommodating and moving into what’s known as anxious attachment. When this happens, we are actually enabling the other person to not have to change because their behaviors are not creating any sort of discomfort in their life (which by the way, is the only impetus for real change). We are putting out their fires and making everything okay…all in an attempt to not have to feel the hurt. However, whether we plug that gap or not doesn’t change the fact that we are still hurt by their actions.
I want to be clear that I don’t mean that we should accept maltreatment or have low expectations of how we should be treated. I am also not saying that you shouldn’t feel hurt; in fact, I want you to validate those experiences for yourself. You know if your feelings were hurt, as feelings are the most primal response we have and you do not need anyone to give you the green light to feel. What I am saying is to release yourself from the cyclical pattern of expecting change from someone who has repeatedly shown that they are not going to change. When people show you who they are, believe them. If they are not capable of more and that doesn’t feel good to you, then maybe you need to redefine the relationship or set new boundaries. Choosing to navigate differently can feel incredibly empowering; and on the heels of my last email, there is tremendous freedom in that.