Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance has been the topic of many of my conversations this week, in and out of the office. In short, it is a term that was created by Marsha Linehan and is defined by the ability to accept things as they are; Letting go of the illusion of control. However, it does not mean that we feel better about a situation or person. Rather, instead of marinating in the pain, frustration or other negative feelings connected to the circumstance, wishing that it wasn’t this way and thus exacerbating what already is, we are freeing ourselves of that spin cycle. By doing this, we are granting ourselves permission to find freedom from that emotional prison and heal.
Radical acceptance to me, looks like these pillars of which I created and structured my therapeutic approach around:
- Life is random and unpredictable. There is no score keeping to make sure the unpredictability is evenly spread out amongst all of us. The sooner we can accept that for some things there is no reason, we can let go of the idea that we can somehow control every single outcome or make sense of it. In other words, we just need to stop fighting reality and rather, focus on how we are going to navigate it.
- In most cases, it is never all good and it is never all bad. Are there times when the experience is lopsided? Yes, absolutely. But in the long run, typically it doesn’t stay that way. As humans with strong evolutionary roots in our psychology, we love to fit things into neat little jars and create mental maps (aka schemas) so that we have it all figured out, which gives us a greater sense of control and predictability. However, for most circumstances they are on a pendulum.
- The only thing we can truly control is our response to what goes on around us. Life is chaotic and random. There are dozens of variables- people, weather, world events, biology, politics, the list goes on- all outside of our control. If we allow our inner state to be determined by what the day brings, we will never find long lasting peace. To quote Bruce Lee: “ You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you [or around you]. The Power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. If words control you that means everyone/ everything else can control you.”
- Self loathing, shaming and berating yourself into changing doesn’t work. No growth or healing , right down to plants (yes, they’ve done studies on this) will ever come from being cruel, including to yourself; instead it fosters more destruction. In the Wild Edge of Sorrow, Frances Weller touches on this:
“So often our efforts at change in our lives mask subtle and not so subtle acts of self hatred. We attack portions of our life with a vengeance, fully believing that our weakness or inadequacy, our neediness or our failures are the reasons for our suffering…and if only we could be free of them all would be well… Giving up our agendas of self improvement is an act of kindness. It says that by befriending our life, we deepen our capacity to welcome what is, what comes, whoever comes, whoever arrives at the interior door of our soul’s house.”
- There is liberation in relinquishing emotional resistance. Read that again. When we practice radical acceptance, we are no longer trying to change things that we will never be able to change. We stop spinning our wheels, conserve energy and re-direct that energy and focus on things that we do have power over, like how we treat ourselves. Sometimes, acceptance is the only thing we have control over, but I promise you there is freedom in that. And that feels a lot better in the long run than a lifetime of resistance that will always lead to a disappointing outcome.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
~Carl Rogers